<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>A Human Flaw by achickpeasalad</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29530995">A Human Flaw</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/achickpeasalad/pseuds/achickpeasalad'>achickpeasalad</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Closeted Character, Crossdressing, Gender Identity, Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Sexual Harassment, Therapy, You heard me, bleach boys in dresses, dark shit, pansexuality, sassy shinji, self love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:02:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,591</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29530995</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/achickpeasalad/pseuds/achickpeasalad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>‘If you keep getting embarrassed at being seen in public then maybe you should stop wearing cute skirts, Shuuhei.’ Shinji raised both eyebrows. ‘If we want society to accept us, then we need to accept ourselves first.’</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abarai Renji/Hisagi Shuuhei, Ayasegawa Yumichika/Madarame Ikkaku, Hisagi Shuuhei/Muguruma Kensei, Kuna Mashiro/Muguruma Kensei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Human Flaw</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Been a while but I've upgraded. Kensei is no longer a bad influencing adult but a bad influencing acquaintance. Is that better? We shall find out.</p><p>Fair warning, trying my hands at the different aspects of the LGBTQ+ community. In no way am I an expert nor am I a crossdresser. I hope this piece won't offend anyone. </p><p>Please leave comments on what you think! I'd love to hear. Read the warnings and proceed with caution.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I stared into the mirror. Should I wear the red skirt or the blue one?</p><p>I turned to the side. Red would probably be too bold. Besides, I’m just meeting Shinji. No need to get all fancy. People already stared enough…</p><p>I sighed, pulling on a jumper while heading out. Kensei was busy cooking in the kitchen. The smell of caramelizing onions and garlic filled the room.</p><p>‘Smells good,’ I remarked with a smile.</p><p>He looked up, silent. His eyes swept over me. ‘Goin’ out?’</p><p>‘Just gonna hang with Shinji.’ I donned a pair of chunky platform boots. ‘You should join us sometime.’</p><p>Kensei stared blankly for a minute. Then he went back to his pan. ‘Yeah, maybe,’ he murmured.</p><p>I wasn’t hurt by his reply. It was just Kensei’s way.</p><p>A friend of a friend had introduced us. I was looking for a cheap apartment and he was looking for a cheap roommate. It worked out perfectly.</p><p>He seemed like the quiet, to-himself kinda guy. However, there was no telling how he’d feel about my “hobbies”. That was resolved relatively quickly on moving day when one of the boxes exploded and spewed my colorful wardrobe all across the floor.</p><p>Kensei didn’t say anything. He just shrugged and shuffled out of the room. And that was that.</p>
<hr/><p>‘You got real lucky on the roommate deal,’ Shinji insisted. He was dressed flamboyantly as usual, a coral bodycon dress paired with a leather jacket and dangerous black platforms. ‘I remember when I first moved out here. I’d wake up earlier than my flatmate just so he wouldn’t see me dress up. But that all changed when I moved in with Hiyori. She was a godsend.’</p><p>‘I thought you found her annoying?’ I asked, perplexed.</p><p>‘Oh yeah, a royal pain in my waxed ass. But don’t tell her I said something nice about her. Otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it.’</p><p>I rolled my eyes. ‘Anyways, I still think Kensei is a bit apprehensive about me. I mean, I invite him to hang out but he’s never once given me a proper answer.’</p><p>Shinji tapped the table. ‘You can’t have everything, Shuu. Living with you and your lifestyle is one thing. Being seen with you in public might be another for him.’</p><p>‘If he feels uncomfortable then maybe I should stop asking. I don’t want to force him to accept me if it might strain our relationship.’</p><p>‘Hey.’ I looked up into Shinji’s concerned eyes. ‘You’re not forcing anyone to accept you. They are responsible for their own feelings. It has nothing to do with you.’</p><p>‘…I know.’</p><p>
  <em>But I still can’t help feeling like I’m being a nuisance.</em>
</p><p>I gazed across the café, lingering a little on the people at each table as they shared a story or a laugh or a piece of pastry. At least that’s what you saw on the surface. How many were truly feeling the same on the inside? Did anyone know? Did <em>they </em>themselves know?</p><p>I suddenly flinched when I locked eyes with a man on the opposite table. Eyes full of disgust and disbelief. I quickly looked away.</p><p>‘Someone’s giving us the stink eye,’ I muttered, clutching my purse tightly.</p><p>‘Eh?’</p><p>Shinji looked over.</p><p>‘We should probably head out-’</p><p>‘Over my dead body,’ Shinji interrupted icily.</p><p>He turned in his seat and threw one leg over the other, angling his body so that his entire thigh was on full display. The guy’s face turned bright red. Shinji waved enthusiastically and winked. The man quickly lowered his eyes, completely flustered. With that settled, Shinji swung his legs back in and went back to sipping his coffee.</p><p>‘You’re not going anywhere,’ Shinji said shortly.</p><p>‘Shin-!’ I started.</p><p>‘If you keep getting embarrassed at being seen in public then maybe you should stop wearing cute skirts, Shuuhei.’ Shinji raised both eyebrows. ‘If we want society to accept us, then we need to accept ourselves first.’</p>
<hr/><p>‘Oi.’ A nudge. ‘Check her out. Hey, sweet thing! Where you going?’</p><p>‘That’s a dude, Nnoitra.’</p><p>‘What the fuck? No way! With an ass like that? Damnnn.’</p><p>I walked a little faster, making sure not to make eye contact. It wasn’t the first time I’d been catcalled. I took a leaf out of my female friend’s book and chose to ignore them instead. If you didn’t give them attention they’d leave you alone.</p><p>If you were lucky.</p><p>‘Hey! He’s getting away! Aw, come back! We don’t discriminate! We support equality too!’</p><p>His pink-haired friend cackled raucously. A chill ran up my spine.</p><p>
  <em>Keep moving. You’re not that far from home. Damn it, why didn’t I take up Shinji’s offer and just stay the night? </em>
</p><p>I realized the voices hadn’t let up. Shit, they were following me. My heart leapt into my throat.</p><p>‘Hey, just leave me alone. This isn’t funny,’ I called over my shoulder.</p><p>‘Oho, he talks! What do you think, Szayel? Think he sounds cute to you?’ the first guy, a lanky figure, remarked.</p><p>The friend looked me up lecherously. ‘Cute enough.’</p><p>I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of the conversation. That was enough for me to know I was no longer safe and it would be stupid to fight back.</p><p>My boots thumped loudly against the pavement as I ran. The sound of other feet and high-pitched laughter came as a haunting reminder that they were slowly gaining on me.</p><p>I choked back a cry. My throat was burning. My feet hurt. Stupid boots. I knew they were a bad idea. If I just wore normal shoes and normal clothes and lived a normal life, this wouldn’t be happening to me…</p><p>I turned a corner and slammed into a wall.</p><p>Hang on. Not a wall.</p><p>I looked up and my eyes widened.</p><p>‘Kensei?! What’re you-?’</p><p>‘HEY! Where’d he go?’</p><p>‘Don’t look at me! You’re the one who lost sight of him!’</p><p>Their voices were getting louder. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I almost didn’t register that Kensei was talking.</p><p>‘Hey…hey, Shuuhei! You okay?’</p><p>
  <em>I needed to move. They’re going to find me. They’re going to…</em>
</p><p>I suddenly clutched his arms. ‘Help…’</p><p>He stood there, motionless. Then, before I could blink, Kensei was dragging me into an alley and shoving me against a wall. I had no idea what he was going until I realized he was blocking me from the main street.</p><p>Footsteps thundered past.</p><p>‘Do you see him?’</p><p>‘Nah. Just some guy schmoozing his girl in an alley.’</p><p>‘You fucking suck, Nnoitra. That was guy was a real cutie.’</p><p>‘Whatever. You’re the one who’s actually gay for him.’</p><p>‘You called out first back there, not me.’</p><p>‘What? I was curious! Think he’d moan like a chick if you did him?’</p><p>Their laughter faded away. I slowly calmed down, finally able to breathe properly.</p><p>‘Thanks,’ I muttered and attempted to move past him.</p><p>He didn’t budge.</p><p>I poked him. ‘Kensei, can you-’</p><p>My eyes widened in horror and I shoved him off forcefully.</p><p>‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ I snapped.</p><p>He didn’t say anything, refusing to look me in the eyes. No apology, no explanation, nothing.</p><p>I didn’t wait for it either.</p><p>I got back and quickly locked myself in my room, my mind racing. There was no mistaking what just happened.</p><p>Kensei had a boner while pressing up against me.</p>
<hr/><p>‘Morning.’</p><p>I froze. Kensei was sitting on the couch. He was never up this early.</p><p>I couldn’t just turn tail and lock myself in my room again. Tosen was going to get mad if I called in another sick day.</p><p>‘Hey…can we talk?’</p><p>‘Um, can it wait? I got work.’</p><p>I was definitely avoiding his eyes on purpose.</p><p>‘I just…I wanna apologize is all. About that night.’</p><p>I exhaled slowly. ‘It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.’</p><p>I appreciated what he was doing but I’d rather we pretended it never happened. Shit happened. I just wanted us to forget and move on.</p><p>‘I don’t want you to think I see you like that. You’re just a friend. A roommate.’</p><p>This was getting progressively more awkward. I wished he had just stopped at the apology. It really didn’t have to go further than that. Why was he prolonging this?</p><p>‘Kensei, you don’t have to explain anything,’ I sighed. ‘I’ll come around and we can just-’</p><p>‘I’m not gay or anything, okay?!’ he blurted out.</p><p>I paused, finally looking his way. He was completely red in the face, hands clenched in a fist at his side. I raised an eyebrow.</p><p>‘Is that what you were worried about?’ I said softly.</p><p>Now he couldn’t look me in the eyes.</p><p>‘Don’t worry, Kensei.’ My voice quivered a little. ‘I would never think of you like that.’</p><p>I felt like I had slammed the door extra hard on my way out. I didn’t know why those words hurt me as much as they did. People had said much worse homophobic things and had been even more direct in their insults.</p><p>I guess it kinda hurt to know Kensei might be one of those people.</p>
<hr/><p>‘He didn’t!’ Yumichika gasped, almost splashing his drink onto his boyfriend.</p><p>‘I’m a little confused,’ Ikkaku remarked, pushing said drink away from the edge. ‘He didn’t really say anything <em>that </em>terrible.’</p><p>‘Oh, Ikkaku, you naïve simpleton,’ Shinji sighed, shaking his head. ‘In the context of what transpired, it’s definitely terrible.’</p><p>I played with the stem of my cocktail glass. ‘He thought I might go around telling people he’s gay or something,’ I said irritably and quickly downed my drink.</p><p>‘Oi, slow down, I’m not babysitting you tonight,’ Shinji said, eying me apprehensively.</p><p>Ikkaku scratched his head. ‘But he’s not gay. Right?’</p><p>‘Hang on,’ Yumichika suddenly said. ‘I just had a thought: what if he doesn’t want you to think he’s gay…because he doesn’t want to admit he <em>is </em>gay?’</p><p>Everyone was silent. I snorted.</p><p>‘Yumichika, I think you had one too many drinks.’ I noticed everyone exchange a glance. ‘What? Oh, come on, don’t tell me you all think that’s actually true? It’s Kensei we’re talking about! Guy played Varsity in high school and probably dated the whole cheerleading squad.’</p><p>‘Maybe even the guys,’ Shinji muttered.</p><p>‘Drop it,’ I growled, scowling at all of them. ‘We’re not entertaining this, okay?’</p><p>Yumichika looked away, slightly miffed. Ikkaku just shrugged and went back to his beer. Shinji was the only one who met my gaze and kept it.</p><p>‘I’ll drop it,’ he said calmly. ‘But I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss it, Shuuhei.’</p>
<hr/><p>I stumbled into the apartment. Damn it, I was still tipsy. Good thing Shinji stopped me from getting another one. Otherwise I would’ve been sloshed by now. I was also glad I let him call me a cab. I wasn’t ready to have another late night incident and especially not while I was drunk.</p><p>The apartment was awfully quiet. Was Kensei even home? I couldn’t remember if he said he’d be out or not.</p><p>I teetered into a wall as I tried to take my shoes off and fell backwards. Damn it, I wasn’t going to make it to bed. The room was spinning too much.</p><p>I was never going to drink that much again.</p><p>‘Shuuhei?’</p><p>I looked up. Kensei stared down, eyebrows raised.</p><p>I hefted a salute. ‘Sup?’</p><p>‘You look hammered. Just how much did you drink?’</p><p>‘Dunno. Stopped counting.’</p><p>‘Jesus Christ, Shuuhei…’</p><p>I sat there for a minute, letting my body come down from the alcohol high. ‘Gimme a minute,’ I muttered. ‘I’ll get up soon.’</p><p>He sighed in exasperation. Then, without warning, he hoisted me up. ‘C’mon,’ he muttered. ‘Ain’t no way I’m letting you pass out here.’</p><p>I should’ve said some form of thanks. Instead, I was focusing too hard on not throwing up all over him.</p><p>By some miracle we made it to my room. I sighed softly as I landed on my bed. What sweet bliss. That was damn nice of Kensei. I really did get lucky in the roommate department.</p><p>
  <em>‘…doesn’t want to admit he is gay?’</em>
</p><p>I frowned. ‘Hey, Kensei?’ I murmured.</p><p>‘…Yeah?’ He was still here. How strange.</p><p>‘We’re…good, right?’</p><p>‘I mean, yeah. Why?’</p><p>‘I dunno.’ I was having a hard time staying awake. The comfort of my bed was slowly lulling me to sleep. ‘I thought…this morning…when you said that about being gay…I thought you meant…me…’</p><p>‘…I would never think badly of you, Shuuhei…’</p><p>He trailed off. I wasn’t too bothered by then, eyelids already fluttering shut. I should’ve gotten out of my clothes and makeup but I really couldn’t be bothered. I’d decided to wear a dress tonight, a cute black number. I’d been dying to wear it out. Well, looked like I was going to be wearing it in as well.</p><p>I frowned. There was an itch migrating up my leg. I reached for it, only to meet something hard. Like a…</p><p>I opened my eyes blearily. I looked up. Kensei was strangely close, staring intently. There was something oddly chilling about that stare. I looked down at my legs. My dress was hitched up slightly. I consciously pulled it down.</p><p>‘Sorry,’ I murmured. ‘I’m probably gonna pass out soon. Night, Kensei.’</p><p>‘…Night, Shuuhei.’</p>
<hr/><p>‘How’s your closeted roommate? Sorry, I mean Kensei. Freudian slip.’</p><p>I scowled. ‘Not funny, Shinji.’</p><p>‘I wasn’t trying to be funny. Jokes aside, how’s he been? You haven’t mentioned him in a hot minute.’</p><p>‘He’s been good. Everything is pretty much back to normal.’</p><p>‘…Okay.’</p><p>I sighed. ‘What is it?’</p><p>‘I didn’t say anything.’</p><p>‘I can hear you yelling with your body language.’</p><p>He pursed his lips. ‘His words still bug me.’</p><p>I groaned. ‘Shinji, Kensei is as straight as they come. He likes girl, okay?’</p><p>‘That doesn’t mean anything, Shuuhei, and you know it. Some guys date girls for years because they’re too afraid of what would happen if they didn’t.’ He was silent for a minute. ‘Think back to when you first came out. How hard and difficult it was to admit, even to yourself. Didn’t you wish you had someone to talk to?’</p><p>I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. ‘You know this is all hypothetical, right? What if Kensei isn’t gay? Then what?’</p><p>‘Then he isn’t and you get to tell me “I told you so”. How is any of that bad?’</p>
<hr/><p>The door slammed. I quickly sat up on the couch. Kensei looked up, slightly surprised.</p><p>‘Didn’t expect you to be up at this time,’ he grunted as he removed his shoes.</p><p>‘Yeah, I found a show to binge-watch and couldn’t really stop,’ I joked light-heartedly, switching out of the streaming channel. ‘Um, where’d you go?’</p><p>‘Just on a date.’</p><p>‘How was it?’</p><p>‘Decent.’</p><p>I had no idea where I was going with this small talk. How was I going to bring about the topic of being gay anyway?</p><p>‘You don’t have any of your…stuff on,’ Kensei suddenly remarked, jerking me out of my thoughts. He had settled on the couch next to me.</p><p>His comment caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure if he was referring to my lack of pants or my usual get up. ‘Um, you mean like my dresses…?’</p><p>His face colored. ‘Yeah, that,’ he murmured.</p><p>‘I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my wardrobe. But nothing beats wearing no pants.’</p><p>He didn’t smile at that. He kept his eyes trained on the television screen. ‘It must be hard, with people staring all the time.’</p><p>A heavy silence settled between us. His words struck a chord deep in my core, touching on something young Shuuhei hadn’t visited in a while, something he thought if he buried away it might never resurface. But fear had a funny way of rearing its ugly head like a many-headed Hydra, refusing to die.</p><p>‘It’s still scary,’ I murmured. ‘You’d think being yourself is the easiest thing in the world. But other people’s opinions keep reminding you that that’s not true.’</p><p>We stared at the reflection in the blank screen; Kensei in his Varsity jacket and me in my neon pink undies. Kensei parted his lips.</p><p>‘Ain’t that the fucking truth?’ he croaked.</p>
<hr/><p>‘Oi, hold up, Yumichika! We’re still waiting for the others!’</p><p>‘But that bar has free entry till midnight, Shinji!’</p><p>‘That doesn’t mean we-Yumi, get back here!’ Shinji groaned. ‘Why do I even bother trying to organize a night out? We always manage to lose someone!’</p><p>I laughed. ‘Mama Shinji is having a hard time keeping all her ducklings in check tonight.’</p><p>‘Hey, don’t get cheeky with me or I’ll ground you.’ He linked his arm with mine. ‘You look cute tonight. Is it for a special someone?’</p><p>I scoffed, consciously smoothing down my dress. ‘Please. Like there’s any chance of me getting laid tonight.’</p><p>‘That redhead at the jazz club was interested.’</p><p>‘He probably thought I was a chick.’</p><p>‘You guys exchanged numbers though.’</p><p>‘How did you-!? You know what, it doesn’t matter. He won’t call me anyway.’</p><p>Shinji pulled away, eyes roving my face. ‘What’s with that attitude? First of, lose the frown otherwise you’ll need Botox. And second, you’re an absolute catch. Any guy would be lucky to have you.’</p><p>I gently unhooked our arms, suddenly feeling awkward. ‘I’m not ready for that, Shinji,’ I muttered.</p><p>‘Hey, we found the others!’ Ikkaku yelled, waving us over.</p><p>I quickly walked over. I didn’t mind Shinji playing guardian angel once in a while. But I didn’t want to be optimistic about nothing. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried dating. I got rejected so many times I’d stopped being hopeful. There was no way in hell I was going back out there again.    </p><p>‘We got in just in time,’ Yumichika squealed, grasping Ikkaku’s hand excitedly.</p><p>‘I’ve heard good things about this place,’ Kira remarked, their paisley shirt unbuttoned to their navel. I was often envious of how easily they could transition between genders.</p><p>‘No funny business, okay!?’ Tetsu barked. ‘I know the bouncer and I don’t want him thinking I hang out with a bunch of hooligans!’</p><p>‘Who you calling a hooligan?!’ Ikkaku growled, rolling up his sleeves.</p><p>I smiled, taking in my rambunctious group. It was going to be a good night. I almost forgot about the cute redhead. He’d been real nice to talk to, not gonna lie. But once he figured things out, none of it would matter. He would see me the same as everyone else did.</p><p>It was definitely best that I forgot about him…</p><p>‘Hey, Imma get us all shots!’ I called and headed to the bar.</p><p>‘Shuuhei, have I ever told you you’re my favorite person!?’ Shinji yelled after me.</p><p>I blew him a kiss. I felt reenergized. I wanted to have a good time. It’s why we were out, right?</p><p>The bar was packed. There was a line just to reach the bartender. Nobody was kidding when they said this place was damn popular.</p><p>I squinted at the person in front of me. Something about their hair looked oddly familiar.</p><p>They turned around. My eyes widened.</p><p>‘Kensei?’</p><p>He froze, locking eyes with me. I usually couldn’t tell what he was thinking. But in that moment, I knew we had the same word running through our head.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>I glanced down at his hands, currently holding two drinks. Was he on a date?</p><p>‘Uh, hi,’ I said quickly. ‘Fancy meeting-’</p><p>‘What?!’ He yelled over the music. ‘I can’t-’</p><p>Someone sidled behind him, shoving him in the process. Both drinks slipped from his hands. And fell all over my dress.</p><p>We both stumbled, stunned. The perpetrator looked back and just smirked.</p><p>‘Asshole!’ Kensei called after the guy, livid. He looked at me and blanched. ‘Shit, I’m so sorry-’</p><p>‘It’s fine,’ I said, my voice cracking, partly from anger and partly from hurt. I was used to it. I was also seriously sick and tired of it. And now I was stuck in a wet and sticky dress. So much for having a good time. ‘Excuse me.’</p><p>I quickly made a beeline for the women’s bathroom. Maybe some towels would stop any staining. Before I could even enter, a hand wrapped around my arm.</p><p>Kensei jerked his head to the men’s. I hesitated. I didn’t want him to be too concerned about this. He had a date to get back to. She might start wondering…</p><p>‘You don’t have to do this, ’I mumbled as Kensei approached me with a wad of paper towels while I leaned back against a sink.</p><p>‘It was my fault.’</p><p>‘No, it wasn’t. You and I both know that.’</p><p>‘Fucking bastard,’ he growled. He was dabbing too roughly.</p><p>‘He’s not the first, Kensei.’</p><p>I stared at myself in the mirror, eyes trailing over the masculine jawline, the thin lips, the narrow eyes. I suddenly felt very clownish with all my makeup. Like I was trying to cover up something that was so obviously inescapable.</p><p>‘Why do you tolerate it?’ he murmured, his hand pausing on my thigh.</p><p>‘What was I supposed to do? Cause a scene?’</p><p>He didn’t say anything.</p><p>‘People like me…we’re human punching bags, Kensei. Nobody cares how we feel.’</p><p>An even longer pause.</p><p>‘That’s messed up,’ he finally murmured.</p><p>His hand was resting uncomfortably close to my crotch. But I didn’t want to say anything and make him feel weird. Then he did something totally unexpected.</p><p>He squeezed my thigh.</p><p>I instantly shoved him away. He stumbled backwards into a stall door. I stared at him, feeling a weird mix of anger and confusion. His face wasn’t easy to read either.</p><p>‘Why the hell did you-?’ I started to ask.</p><p>‘I gotta go,’ he interrupted and without a backwards glance, left me alone in the bathroom to stare after him.</p><p>What the hell was that about…?</p>
<hr/><p>The door flew open before I could even stick my key in the lock. I blinked. A pretty, petite woman with short green hair stood in the doorway. She was equally surprised to see me.</p><p>‘Oh, hello!’ She uttered. ‘You must be the roommate.’</p><p>‘Erm, yeah.’ I was really lost. Who was this girl and why was she in my apartment?</p><p>That’s when I noticed her blouse was slightly creased, her lipstick smudged around the corners of her mouth. Was she and…Kensei…?</p><p>‘Sorry,’ I apologized, backing away from the door. ‘I didn’t mean to-’</p><p>‘Oh, no, you’re fine, hon,’ she said with a wave of her hand as if to dismiss my offer. ‘I’m just leaving. I don’t see a reason to stay right now.’</p><p>She noticed my frown and patted my arm. ‘He’s in a bit of a bad mood. Try to cheer him up if you can. And tell him I’d still love to have dinner.’</p><p>She breezed past me. I raised an eyebrow.</p><p>As I got in, I stared at the couch, noticing the head of spikey silver hair seated there.</p><p>‘Hey,’ I called out. ‘Who was that?’</p><p>‘Some girl.’ Quick, curt, no emotions. The girl wasn’t kidding about the mood.</p><p>‘Everything okay? You wanna talk?’</p><p>Some movement from the couch. ‘I’d rather not.’</p><p>‘Okay. Well, she asked if you wanted to have dinner after.’</p><p>He laughed. It sounded forced. ‘Yeah, that’s not going to happen,’ he said hollowly.</p><p>I placed a hand on my hip. ‘Okay, what the hell happened?’</p><p>He looked over the top of the couch. His cheeks were slightly red. ‘Couldn’t get it up,’ he mumbled.</p><p>I blinked. Was that it?</p><p>‘Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it,’ I said gently, sitting on the couch armrest. ‘That’s normal. You were probably nervous.’</p><p>He licked his lips. ‘That wasn’t the first time,’ he mumbled, his face reddening even more.</p><p>‘Oh.’</p><p>I tried my best to keep Shinji’s voice out of my head. Because there was no way. There was no way in <em>hell</em> Kensei could be-</p><p>I snapped my fingers. ‘Have you tried imagining something else?’ I asked. He stared at me. ‘I mean, it helps sometimes, right? At least to get you started.’</p><p>‘Yeah, I guess…’ he trailed off.</p><p>‘Right, so just think of something that works for you, y’know?’</p><p>This was definitely one of the most awkward conversations I’d ever had. I wasn’t even sure where I was going with it or why I had instigated it. Did I want to relate to him? Or…did I want him to relate to me?</p><p>He was unusually silent, sitting there with his hands curled into fists on his knees. Did I say something wrong? Was he annoyed?</p><p>I nudged him. ‘Hey, Kensei-’</p><p>‘Knock it off!’</p><p>He suddenly bolted up, eyes bright with anger. ‘Stop trying to get into my business,’ he snapped.</p><p>I flinched at his words. That was not the reaction I had expected.</p><p>‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. ‘I was just trying to help…’</p><p>‘Well, you’re only making it worse! It’s only happening because of you!’</p><p>My eyes widened. ‘I’m sorry, what?’</p><p>‘Because you go around in your short skirts and…wait, shit, no, that’s not what I…’ He stumbled up, until his back was against the wall.</p><p>I got up slowly. ‘What’re you getting at?’ I murmured.</p><p>‘Nothing! It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.’</p><p>‘Kensei, I think we should talk about it.’</p><p>‘I said forget it.’</p><p>‘I really think it’ll help-’</p><p>‘Will you shut up?!’</p><p>He was on me, one hand clasped tightly across my mouth and the other shoving me against a wall. I couldn’t fight back. I was in shock. Kensei was always so calm and composed. Why…?</p><p>He quickly pulled away and stared at his hands as if seeing them for the first time. That’s when I noticed he was trembling.</p><p>‘Hey…’ I murmured.</p><p>Without a warning he barreled past me.</p><p>‘Kensei-!’</p><p>
  <em>SLAM!</em>
</p><p>I stood in the empty apartment, still very confused and shocked by the revelation in that moment. I could practically hear Shinji singing.</p>
<hr/><p>‘Can’t say I didn’t tell you so but I did tell you so,’ Shinji sighed.</p><p>‘There’s still no way,’ I muttered. ‘It’s still all speculation.’</p><p>‘It at least proves that some people are just really good at hiding it.’</p><p>‘…Now what?’</p><p>‘Obviously you gotta talk to him about it. Show some support. The closeted ones can be real touchy about the subject.’</p><p>‘What if he gets angry?’</p><p>‘That’ll be normal. It’s not like he’ll hurt you or anything.’</p><p>‘Right...’</p><p>‘Shuuhei?’</p><p>‘Hm?’</p><p>‘Kensei won’t hurt you. There’s no way he would do that.’</p><p>I blinked slowly and looked away. ‘There’s a lot of new things I’m learning about him that I didn’t expect…’</p>
<hr/><p>I knocked.</p><p>‘Kensei? You there?’</p><p>No reply. Was he purposely ignoring me?</p><p>I sighed. ‘I’m coming in.’</p><p>I gently turned the knob and entered.</p><p>Baseball posters decorated the walls. A study desk in the corner with a heap of papers on top. Clothes lay strewn across the floor, including a university football hoodie. Other than that, the room was empty.</p><p>I stood in the middle, taking it all in. I never really knew Kensei that well. This was kinda a glimpse into what kind of person he was. Someone who liked baseball and wearing sports paraphernalia. Who liked to work and worked hard. Someone normal.</p><p>I flipped through a magazine on the bedside table. He’d probably lived this way his whole life. At one point I had too. Because I thought that was the expected thing. If I did anything else, I would be deemed abnormal and shunned for it.</p><p>Then I met Shinji. And he taught me how to be comfortable in my own skin, to enjoy wearing a dress here and there and not care what other people thought. Something he was still teaching me.</p><p>I put the magazine back.</p><p>Now it was my turn.</p><p>I leaned against the bed and felt something crinkle under my hands. A magazine poked out from under a blanket. My eyes widened in recognition. It was a LGBTQ-based publication. Their content was slightly raunchy for my tastes since they printed both sexes in absurdly sexual ways. To find it in Kensei’s bed…there was not a shred of doubt in my mind now.</p><p>Shit, was he hiding this all along?</p><p>‘What’re you doing here?’</p><p>I looked up, magazine clutched in my hands. Kensei stared at me. His eyes landed on the glossy cover. The hand on the doorknob tightened.</p><p>‘I…’ I couldn’t seem to find my voice. It was like I’d been caught doing something dirty. ‘I was looking for you…’</p><p>‘So you decided to invade my private space?’</p><p>The anger was slowly building in his voice. This had been a bad idea. I shouldn’t have walked in. What the hell had I been thinking?</p><p>‘I wanted to talk…’</p><p>‘About what? Clearly you already figured things out by snooping around.’</p><p>I quickly put away the booklet. ‘I wanted to…if you need to talk to someone…you can talk to me.’</p><p>Kensei scowled. ‘I don’t need your pity, okay?’</p><p>‘It’s not pity!’ I stood up defiantly. ‘I know what it’s like to feel like this. It’s not healthy keeping it bottled up.’</p><p>He stared at the floor. ‘I wasn’t always like this. I was…normal.’</p><p>His words angered me. ‘You’re still normal. So what if you like men? You haven’t changed as a person.’</p><p>‘Haven’t I?’ I flinched under his gaze. ‘You seriously haven’t noticed?’</p><p>A cold chill ran up my spine. ‘I don’t-’</p><p>
  <em>My dress was hitched up…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He squeezed my thigh…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Because you go around in your short skirts…’</em>
</p><p>‘You know exactly what I’m talking about. But you probably dismissed it all. Thinking there was no way. That Kensei couldn’t possibly do such disgusting things…’</p><p>‘That’s not…that’s not what I was thinking…’</p><p>He took a step closer, blocking the door. I gulped. I remembered when those men had been chasing me and I’d run into Kensei’s arms. How he’d saved me in that moment.</p><p>Who was going to save me now?</p><p>‘I’m leaving,’ I blurted out, stepping aside. My throat closed up when he moved to block me. I looked into his hollow eyes.</p><p>‘Kensei, let me go…’</p><p>‘Are you scared of me, Shuuhei?’</p><p>He touched my arm. It sent an electric shock through my body and I wrenched away. Anger flashed across his eyes.</p><p>‘What? Is it because it’s me you’re not interested?’ He suddenly caught my wrist in a vice-like grip. ‘Why don’t you just think of something else? That helps, doesn’t it?’ </p><p>‘That’s not funny,’ I snapped, trying to pry his fingers off. He was squeezing painfully hard. Without warning, he shoved me, my knees collided with the edge of the bed, and I fell backwards. He didn’t waste time and immediately pinned my wrists down. I couldn’t pretend to be calm anymore.</p><p>‘Get off!’ I yelled and tried to buck him off. He pressed down, one hand keeping my wrists up and the other scrambling under my skirt. Realization dawned on me when he grabbed my underwear.</p><p>I kicked out with both legs and heard him grunt. His grip loosened and I managed to wriggle away. I barely made it to the door when he grabbed my ankle and I came crashing down so painfully I saw stars.</p><p>He grabbed my waist, digging his nails in. My voice caught in my throat when I felt him press his half-hard dick against me. Shit, shit, shit, shit-</p><p>‘Kensei…don’t…’ I stammered. ‘Please…can’t we…can’t we just talk?’</p><p>He paused. ‘I’m sorry, Shuuhei,’ he muttered. ‘But I think I’m beyond saving at this point.’</p>
<hr/><p>The phone was ringing on the other end. It clicked as someone picked up.</p><p>‘Hey, bitch, what’s up?’ Shinji chimed.</p><p>‘…Hey…’ my voice sounded so hoarse.</p><p>‘…Shuuhei? Are you okay?’</p><p>‘I’m…’ my throat was slowly closing up. ‘Shinji, he…’</p><p>‘Who? What happened?!’</p><p>‘Kensei…he…’ I quickly covered my mouth, feeling a sob coming up. I thought I was going to have a panic attack.</p><p>‘…Pack your things. I’m picking you up.’</p>
<hr/><p>Dr. Unohana, scribbled away on her clipboard. ‘Alright, Shuuhei, we’re ready to start. May I call you Shuuhei?’ she said with a smile.</p><p>I shifted nervously on the examination table and nodded.</p><p>‘Great. So this is standard procedure for anyone who comes in for an STD screening,’ she continued. ‘These may be uncomfortable questions but they will help us when we are checking your results, okay?’</p><p>‘…okay…’</p><p>‘Good. First question, do you have any unusual symptoms like itching, rashes, warts, bleeding, etc?’</p><p>‘No.’</p><p>Scribbling. ‘Wonderful. Have you had sex in the past six months?’</p><p>My heart lurched. ‘Yes.’</p><p>‘With how many people?’</p><p>‘…one…’</p><p>‘Are they your permanent partner?’</p><p>‘No.’</p><p>‘Male or female?’</p><p>‘Male.’</p><p>‘Was there penetration? Did they use a condom?’</p><p>My throat was starting to feel dry. ‘Yes. And…no.’</p><p>More scribbling. ‘I see. We’ve got a couple more and we can start the testing. Now, how many partners have you had in your lifetime?’</p><p>‘…’</p><p>My body refused to let me answer. Dr. Unohana looked up in surprise.</p><p>‘Is everything alright?’</p><p>I finally managed to find my voice. ‘One…j-just one…’</p><p>I couldn’t keep it together anymore. I curled forward, covering my mouth with both hands and dry heaved. The doctor was up on her feet immediately, rubbing my back and coaxing me to lie down.</p><p>‘Take some deep breaths,’ she murmured. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’</p><p>I did just that until I could breathe more easily. I hadn’t planned on doing the test. But Shinji insisted. He said…that since it was my first time, I had to. Just to be safe…</p><p>Soft murmurs drifted in from the hallway. I recognized the doctor. I was surprised to hear Shinji with her.</p><p>‘…domestic violence case?’ she asked.</p><p>‘No. Nothing like that. The guy was a roommate. He’s living with me temporarily though.’</p><p>‘Is he planning to move out soon?’</p><p>‘We’re gearing towards that.’</p><p>‘Good. The sooner the better.’</p><p>I shut my eyes, letting my body sink into the table. She was right. They both were.</p><p>I opened my eyes.</p><p>Why was it still so hard to accept the truth, then?</p>
<hr/><p>Shinji stared at me. ‘Shuuhei, you have to,’ he said quietly.</p><p>‘I know.’ I hugged myself, feeling so cold even though the heater was on. ‘I know, okay? It’s the right thing to do. Move out and make a clean break.’</p><p>‘Forget the right thing. If you love yourself, you’d do it.’</p><p>I was silent.</p><p>‘Shuuhei…do you love yourself?’</p><p>‘…maybe…’</p><p>My body convulsed as I cried into Shinji’s shoulder. He just held me and patted my back. For once, he had nothing to say.</p>
<hr/><p>‘Shuu, I got the last box. Let’s go!’</p><p>‘Coming!’</p><p>I hefted up a carton of books and glanced around the empty room. I hadn’t been here long but it had just started to grow on me. Too bad I had to leave it now. Maybe I would’ve learned to love its squeaky floorboards and peeling wallpaper.</p><p>My eyes lingered on Kensei’s door as I walked past. He hadn’t stepped out once while we were moving my stuff. Shinji thought it was too bad because he would’ve loved to sock the guy.</p><p>Kensei didn’t bat an eye when I told him I’d found a new place and that I was planning to leave next week. Granted I told him over the phone so I couldn’t really gauge his feelings in that moment. But he didn’t try to stop me. Nor ask why. It was like an expected outcome. That I was supposed to move out after what he did to me.  </p><p>My therapist told me not to feel guilty about it. That I should be prioritizing my feelings. She said some interesting things during our sessions.</p><p>
  <em>‘We all are so hard on ourselves. It’s a human flaw that’s so easy to spot and also so easy to succumb to. Know the signs. And forgive yourself.’</em>
</p><p>I knocked on Kensei’s door.</p><p>‘Hey, Kensei?’ I called. ‘I’m about to leave. Just wanted to say goodbye.’</p><p>It was eerily quiet on the other side. I wondered if he was ignoring me on purpose. Or if he was just shocked that I still wanted to talk to him.</p><p>I licked my lips.</p><p>
  <em>Know the signs.</em>
</p><p>‘I still meant what I said back then. That if you ever need someone to talk to, you can call me.’</p><p>
  <em>And forgive…</em>
</p><p>He wasn’t going to talk to me, looked like. And I wasn’t going to force him either. We all had our own demons to fight.</p><p>I scribbled my number on a sticky note and stuck it on the fridge. He’d probably delete my number so this was just in case. Despite everything, I would still listen. Because it doesn’t take much for you to start believing in yourself if someone else was doing the same.</p><p>‘What took you?’ Shinji remarked testily.</p><p>‘Sorry. Forgot something.’</p><p>‘He didn’t-!’</p><p>‘No. He never left his room.’</p><p>‘Good.’</p><p>I hesitated. ‘He wasn’t a bad person.’</p><p>‘Sure. But he never apologized.’</p><p>‘…I just hope…he can accept himself one day.’</p><p>Shinji sighed. ‘Not that I mind you being optimistic but sometimes I think you do a bit much.’ He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. ‘And what about you? You going to accept yourself?’</p><p>‘…I want to.’</p><p>‘Great. Then we’re going out tonight and you are going to get a hot guy to buy you drinks.’</p><p>‘Shinji!’</p><p>‘Embrace your inner queen, Shuuhei!’</p><p>I shook my head in disbelief as he walked around the corner to where the moving truck was parked. I counted my blessings everyday that I still had Shinji in my life.</p><p>Speaking of, the dramaqueen was scurrying back around the corner as if his ass was on fire. His eyes shone brightly.</p><p>‘Shuuhei!’ he whispered furiously. ‘You won’t <em>believe</em> who’s over there! I’m going to die! I’m simply going to <em>die</em>.’</p><p>I frowned. ‘What the hell are you-?’</p><p>I halted. My jaw dropped. The mover walked over, grinning handsomely while his bright red hair gleamed in the sun. Low lighting in clubs could really hide the beauty in such assets.</p><p>‘Hey!’ the redhead declared, grabbing the box from my hands. Then he squinted. ‘Wait, I know you! You’re the cutie from the club! Wow! What a coincidence!’</p><p>I blinked. ‘Um, ah, you’re the guy…I gave my number to…’</p><p>‘Yeah, I chickened out and never called. Guess that makes me an asshole, huh?’ He grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Thought you wouldn’t be interested in me.’</p><p>‘That’s not…sorry…I never called either. I thought…because of what I do you wouldn’t…’</p><p>The guy raised an eyebrow. ‘What do you mean?’</p><p>I looked down at my sweats and then back up at him. ‘I mean…that I wear dresses and…’</p><p>He crossed his arms. ‘Why should that matter? I thought you were cute. I still think you’re cute. And I’d like to take you out for dinner.’</p><p>My jaw dropped.</p><p>‘Is that a yes? Please be a yes. I’m gonna be damn embarrassed if you reject me now…’</p><p>‘I mean…I don’t think it would be very smart of me to reject the guy who’s going to deliver my furniture.’</p><p>The redhead grinned from ear to ear. It was damn endearing. Kinda made my heart skip a beat.</p><p>‘I’m Renji.’</p><p>‘Shuuhei.’</p><p>‘So, Shuuhei, I don’t really know the way to your place. Wanna ride up front and show me the way?’</p><p>I glanced back at Shinji. The blonde waggled his eyebrows suggestively.</p><p>I locked eyes with Renji. ‘I’d love to.’ </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>